Zodiac with humour

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Names Haillay

Aries: March 21– April 19 (Courageous, Impulsive)

Mars is rising in your house today. Literally. The god of war has manifested from his throne upon Mount Olympus and wants to challenge you to trial by Jenga. However the small blocks of wood have been substituted by the walls of your house, and fingers substituted by flaming sledge hammers. And though this is undoubtedly very mettle, your stars suggest that you don’t take to your load bearing walls with flaming destruction. Not because you will lose, on the contrary, it says that you will grow frustrated with the game’s slow pace and turn your weapon on the god of war and steal his crown. It’s simply not a good idea to get involved in totally destroying your home. You’re still renting after all and such an activity will surely affect your bond. It also says here that you will ignore this advice after the god of conflict calls you a “yella bellied chicken” in an oddly old Western accent. But if you are going to ignore your horoscope, why bother reading it? And if you do listen to your horoscope then send $10 to myself courtesy of this newspaper.

Taurus: April 20 – May 20 (Persistent, Self-indulgent)

Your reputation for riding on the St Kilda rickshaws, drinking large beverages with colourful umbrellas inside, while whimsically flogging the rickshaw puller with a long length of chain, has gained you quite the reputation. Your star chart and this restraining order both say you should consider other avenues to express yourself. It isn’t being received as you hoped, as “helping them overcome their inadequacy in the fine art of servitude,” but more as a sign of the downfall of society. On the up side however, your actions have formed the basis for this group to unionise. Although their policies are becoming alarming anti-authoritarian and they are referring to one another as “comrade” while sabotaging trams, calling them “a crutch to the proletariat and scabs to the proud brotherhood of human powered vehicles”. So good on you for uniting a people, but perhaps… stop doing that.

Gemini:  May 21 – June 21 (Sociable, Naive)

It has come to the attention of the stars that you have been enjoying an abundance of very friendly and affectionate people since you moved to St Kilda, and you have been delighting in holding long conversations with them on street corners until they get distracted by other people and wander off. It is the responsibility of myself as a registered official black belt pseudoscientist to break this to you gently. These people have alternative motives. I’d rather not shatter the illusion for you, so I will just tell you to try hanging around the Espy. You will have a plethora of self-serving friends and be less likely to be mistaken for one of St Kilda’s abundance of very friendly and affectionate people. Please just trust me on this.

Cancer: June 22 – July 22 (Responsive, Moody)

Your forecast is as unfortunate as the name of your constellation. If I was that giant floating crab I would have gone into depol centuries ago and picked something a little less alarming. But fortunately for you, you will live long enough for the myriad of mistakes you will make this month to keep you awake at night for years to come. And in a case of all clouds having a silver lining, the horrors that are about to befall you will be immortalised in campfire ghost stories and lovecraftian mythos until the meteor hits. Future life will be able to look up the record of mankind’s exploits and know of you, and despair. Who else can say that they will be remembered long after the human race has been converted into fossil fuel? So you have that going for you, which is nice.

Leo:  July 23 – August 22 (Confident, Vain)

In envy of all other planets Venus looks down on you this month and tries to ensure you a favour – she is bringing her blessing to your love life. Today you see a figure of incredible beauty and fall in love. While looking into the mirror on your way out the house, you will feel you’ve known them your whole life and seek to stay with them for as long as humanly possible. You will love them in a way that no one else could, and more often than would be possible for anyone else. And although you will never be apart from them, you will still be keen to try to get at least one more person into this relationship. But the figure that looks back out at you while you brush your teeth will always be your primary and truest love.

Virgo: August 23 – September 22 (Fussy, Observant)

Your plan to clean up St Kilda beach by renting out metal detectors and putting a bounty on used syringes is doomed to fail as backpackers start jumping junkies for their needles in order to afford another $10 pint at the Republic Bar (oh re-pub-lic, I just got the pun.). The enviable tirade of increasingly complex measures and countermeasures to offset this one small glitch in your otherwise flawless plan will lead to you going slowly mad. Well, madder, like certifiably. Not the standard, “Lol, I’m so crazy. Let’s get crunk, YOLO” type of crazy most people seem to have diagnosed themselves as. The hide the sharp objects and make no sudden movements type of crazy that made Australia great. Or at least the kind of crazy that made Earth’s biggest penal colony a necessity. But on the plus side, after your story has been turned straight into a television drama, someone from Macintosh will succeed at making your idea work, by charging five times as much for it and calling it the iDetect, while retroactively suing the straight jacket off of you in history’s first case of elided time fraud.

Libra: September 23 – October 22 (Diplomatic, Superficial)

While going door knocking to get people to sign a petition to get the Boon Wurrung people reinstated as the official caretakers of the land, one member of this tribe grows irritable with your slacktivism and informs you that the sprit people of the dreamtime are the true original caretakers of the land. And as a member of the Boon Wurrung tribe it would be racially insensitive not to renounce your standpoint on his people being the original owners of the land. And just because the sprit people had the good sense to leave well before the Europeans and smallpox arrived, it is incredibly culturally small-minded to base your assumption on if the European’s didn’t see something, it never happened. This causes a divide by zero error in your political correctness drive, causing you go walkabout to find one of the dreamtime sprits to get them to help you rewrite your proposal to a more prehistorically sensitive revision. Unfortunately your degree in English lit was nowhere near sufficient to see you survive more than an hour in the bush. This time next month a colony of red back spiders will claim to be the true caretakers of your corpse after wiping out all the bacteria that were the original inhabitants of you. Congratulations on becoming something useful. Carry on.

Scorpio: October 23 – November 21 (Passionate, Obsessive)

You will meet a tall, dark stranger this month, like you do every month. Your immediate future shows an opportunity for a new stream of income. But you will need to sign the release forms to give consent to upload those illicit photos. If it weren’t for the gimp mask, you would consider using those photos for your Facebook profile photo, as they capture your good side, which happens to be your backside. You instead settle to just use them for your Adult Friend Finder account. The anonymous, yet intimately close, friends you gain though this site earns you a lifetime V.I.P pass to the dungeons under Abode nightclub, where you spend your days in agony and ecstasy. After your passing, the immortal Dionysus picks up your soul and ascends you to the level of godhood where you become the patron deity of depravity and selfies. Snapchat becomes your temple and every sext from that day onward contains a bit of your decadent essence.

Sagittarius: November 22 – December 21 (Independent, Unemotional)

This is odd. The stars say nothing about you. Your constellation has cantered out of the night sky and far off into the abyss. I’m sure it’s nothing to do with you personally, despite what they are saying. I know this is upsetting to you, as everyone else knows with certainty what the future holds and you are without celestial instruction. But I think the numerous populaces of the worlds that orbited the suns of Sagittarius are more upset. Or perhaps they themselves orchestrated the exodus in order to have their fates disentangled from yours. This could be a good thing though; you are free of the casualty brought on by Sagittarius’ influence. Theoretically, you are the only entity in creation that can act on free will. No longer tethered, as the rest of us, to the fatalistic whims of balls of plasma and gas. This could alter the divine plan of the almighty. Use this singular opportunity to set a bag of dog leavenings on fire and set them at the stoop of the pearly gates (you weren’t getting in there anyway). And while you’re at it, could you do me a favour? My friend Schroder wants you to check on his cat for him. Thanks.

Ophiuchus: November 29 – December 17(Elusive, Unpredictable)

No! How did you get in here? You are not part of the widely accepted zodiacal horoscope. Get lost and stop trying to make the serpent bearer happen. The other guys had a meeting and they don’t want you. Snakes are so fall of the Roman Empire and Hermes has the market cornered on sky serpents. Not to mention the rainbow serpent has a restraining order on you, so you can bugger right off. Go on, shoo! Those born under this sign are hipster wannabes who don’t like adhering to “conventional models of the sky” and probably have their Chinese and Aztec zodiacs all filled in on their bedroom wall, rather than the good old-fashioned, god-fearing, Western zodiac – The one true zodiac. Ophiuchui have a bleak future as we all turn our backs on you and pretend we can’t hear you. The stars predict great things for you if you drive your car straight along St Kilda pier and don’t stop at its end. The light bridge will carry the truly faithful on to the multiplanar star station, where you can meet Ophiuchus himself. Honest!

Capricorn: December 23 – January 20 (Ambitious, Dictatorial)

It is time Capricorn. Tonight’s the night. Wear the appointed robes and enter via the service entrance of the Astor theatre. The truth will be revealed and what will become known cannot be forgotten. It is far too late to turn back. Onwards unto the velvet oblivion, where we shall meet with our reward and begin the final phase. Swords and wine will be provided but the sacrifice is yours to source. Snacks too, it’s your turn to bring the snacks. Make sure there’s a gluten-free option or else the consequences shall be dire.

Aquarius: January 21 – February 21 (Inventive, Rebellious)

They said you were mad. They told you it couldn’t be done, that it was an affront to the natural order and an insult to decency itself. But you succeed. You succeed in animating the Moon Face entrance to Luna Park. Giving it not just animation but a life, a will, and an immortal soul. Though the actual job of creating the soul itself, you outsource to a Korean workshop, in essence YOU DO IT! The long forgotten body of the Moon Face (incorrectly thought to be safely bound under the enchanted adamantine tram tracks of Acland St) rises to go about its unknowable and esoteric works. Given new strength by the power of over 100 years of terrified screams induced by its seemingly innocuous attractions. The old ones sacrificed in vain and as foretold, you will receive a boon from the other realmly aberration, like some sort of old world Santa Claus. Perhaps now you can get that jetpack you’ve been waiting for since third grade.

Pieces:  February 19 – March 20 (Emotional, Oversensitive)

After decades of honing your dramatic temperament by living each moment as if it were the apex of a great, Greek tragedy – from the break ups to the ice-cream van being out of the soft drink you like – your lifelong dream of being able to perform in the Palais Theatre comes true, but not on the stage. Your big part comes from pretending to be a witness to an elaborate insurance scam. Unfortunately your performance is so impressive that the instigator of the scam herself believes your performance. This leads to a series of supposedly convenient events that somehow manage to lead you to being pegged for the crime. Your curse was always that you were too in-tune with your muse. Those one-person performances of “Shakespeare II: revised and improved!” in the botanical gardens you spent years performing for an audience of nearly dozens, clearly refined your emotive range. You spend the next 15 to 20 years in the Port Phillip correctional facility dreaming up the screen play for your tragic tale, which you will one day – in your oh so hectic schedule of imprisonment – put to paper.

 

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