Ten Years Gone

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The age old debate… You’ve met someone, you’re attracted to them, but how long should you wait until having sex with them? Is it ok to sleep with them immediately? Should you wait until at least the third date? Or should you give yourself plenty of time, time to develop strong feelings first, say at least, a couple of months?

First, to answer this question I think you need to understand what you are after. What are your intentions? Do you want a relationship or just some no-strings sex? It certainly wouldn’t be easy to tell someone you have just met that you only want them purely for sex. Well unless you picked them up on Grey Street! But seriously, meeting a girl and telling her you only want sex would most likely ruin any chance you had. On the other hand you probably wouldn’t want to tell someone straight up that you want a relationship either, because that would be a sure fire way to come off as desperate! Certainly, this is a tough subject to bring up when all you can think about is how they would look naked. So all I can say, is if you are only looking for some fun, no-strings sex, don’t lead them on. Make it as clear as possible that you’re not interested in a relationship. No one likes the feeling of rejection after the deed has been done… even if the sex was incredible!

My theory is this… If I like a guy and we are meant to be together, then it shouldn’t make a difference if I sleep with him straight away. I have faith it will turn into a relationship if we both like each other enough, not just by how long it took to give in to our animal instincts! I like to believe everything happens for a reason. If we get along all right but realise we are not suited as a couple, there’s nothing wrong with having some fun together in the meantime! Just until ‘Mr Right’ shows up that is!

Throughout my 20, I didn’t have any serious relationships, just a string of casual hook-ups that lasted for varying periods. After 10 years of ‘singledom’ had gone by, I was chatting to a friend of mine. I was upset about the fact I meet plenty of guys, have plenty of hot sex, but what I really want is a boyfriend. Someone to share my life with, she proceeded to give me some advice. Nothing new or surprising. I’m sure you’ve heard it all before… ‘Don’t sleep with guys straight away. They won’t respect you. Blah, blah, blah…’ That’s what everyone says. It makes sense but I like my theory better.  Leave it up to fate. At least that way I still get laid!

Going home and pondering those thoughts, something occurred to me – I’ve only had two boyfriends. Both of those we didn’t jump straight into bed together. We had met and talked at least 3 times prior to jumping in the sack. This realisation was a wake-up call. Enough had come to enough and it was time to try a new strategy. Let’s try taking her advice just out of curiosity. See what happens. I mean it’s not as if I have anything to lose! Mind you, this wasn’t my first attempt though… I had tried a few times previously however and failed miserably. Guys are too hard to resist! But this time I was more determined than ever.

On a night out a short while later, I met a guy who drew my attention. He was exactly my type in every way. We got talking and exchanged numbers. Over the next month, I saw him a few more times and somehow managed to control my urges. Then one night after a few too many drinks, we started making out. I wanted to rush him back to my place, throw him on my bed and have my way with him, but could hear my friend’s voice in my head telling me ‘make him wait’. With great difficulty, I did it. Amazingly, I managed to control myself long enough to make him wait about a month! And guess what? To my surprise, he became my first boyfriend in over 10 years!

Unfortunately, we have since broken up. I won’t go into the reasons why, but this experience has left me wondering… If I hadn’t initially made him wait, would that relationship have ever happened? Perhaps this experience means that if you do want a relationship then it is important to wait. Of all the guys over those 10 single years that I didn’t wait, looking back I can’t picture myself in a relationship with any of them, but you never know!? Maybe this experience has gone to show that I have proved this theory works. Perhaps if you want a relationship and not just casual sex then it is true, you must wait. Just for a little bit at least! Now I just have to remember this lesson myself for the next guy I like and keep those urges under wraps to start with. Wish me luck… I’ll probably need it!! ; P

By Jennie Kopel

Jennie can be heard on ‘The Love Shack’ – a weekly dating and relationship show on Melbourne’s very own Jewish radio station Lion 1674AM – Every Tuesday night 9pm – 10pm. Listen online www.lionfm.org.au or on your iPhone or android through the free ‘TuneIn Radio’ app.


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