Out and About with Miss Delish: Worst Dates Of 2011…….Are You In Here?

So 2011 comes to a close, and what have you done all year, I hear you ask? Last month I was away in Bali at a Yoga Retreat with my best girlfriend and therefore, had no new gossip to report. It was just what I needed before the busyness of Spring Racing Carnival came hurtling towards me, fiercely consisting of ridiculous head pieces, figure hugging dresses and fake tan a plenty. I was well prepared for a busy month after my time away from caffeine, alcohol, carbohydrates, nicotine, and my favourite addiction- beautiful tall men. Yes, Yes, I made it through without all my favourite vices…….except for the second last day where I bribed an Indonesian Pool Boy to sneak me in two packets of cigarettes and some wine. It was an indicator that I was missing home. That last night on my Balinese balcony looking over the serene rice paddies was completely satisfying and far more to my taste! And I felt not a speck of guilt after daily yoga and meditation….. At least I learned how to clear my mind.

I hurried back to Australia and had one of my long lunches…….Thank God……Listen to this:

It’s amazing what a glass of wine will do to people to enhance their need to relay their nocturnal activities to all and sundry. We of the gentler sex tend to feel the need then to share once we have received a piece of sensitive information- and behold- the best gossip sessions are born. I can tell you what the Ladies of St Kilda have been up to.

I was sitting with a group of attractive, professional women who all live within our 3182, 3 and 4 postcodes, and the conversation was that of the worst dates they have been on this year.  Gentlemen beware- we can be particularly nasty and if you recognise any of these tales……you should be bloody ashamed of yourselves!

There was the idiot engineer who tried his best to get his date completely drunk by taking her to the Mink Bar and feeding her every cocktail on the menu. She smiled as she explained she was on to him in the first twenty minutes and decided to play him at his own game “I just drank as many as I could, knowing full well what would happen”. We listened on to hear her say “…..so I was absolutely plastered, and waited til he got me out of the cab in front of my house where I looked at him as he went to kiss me and I vomited all over the front of him.”

Next was the discussion about the men who have taken you out for a drink or dinner and cleverly expect you to pay. Don’t get me started on them……….Gentlemen- Chivalry is back or bugger off!

Then there was the story from one of the few males at the end of the table who discussed the ‘Fatal Attraction One Night Stand’. He told of the beer goggles he wore quite late into the night, leading to terrible sex and scary repercussions. “I woke and she was watching me sleep! She told me she wanted children and thought I looked like good father material!”  Suffice to say, her number was blocked and a funny song was written in her memory. It is on You Tube aptly named ‘Stage Five Clinger’. Check it out for a laugh.

The escape dates were hilarious. These are the ones you run away from before it has ended. The boring Chef who had no conversation and told her the food at the venue HE chose was bad- loser!!!!! She blended into the crowd and escaped out the other entrance into the safety of a cab.

One that still makes me chuckle has to be the story of the closet. On a lovely evening out with a very nice looking man whom she had been with before, she spotted another gorgeous character who happened to work at the bar they were in. Eye contact was made and the champagne was working its required magic: Bravery. “I’m just going to see if anyone has handed in my make up bag that I left in the bathroom” she purred to said date. Now this young lady is quite confident, and I’ve noticed such confidence can be her worst enemy…….perhaps not on this night. In she waltzed, winked at the cute staff member and followed him into the cloak room where she let him give her a kiss, took his phone number and walked right back out to the table and finished her date as though butter wouldn’t melt!!! Outrageous behaviour but so, so smirk worthy.

The conversation steered on a new path- One Night Stands. As we are such a transient little hub, with travellers and corporate visitors who are here for short periods, there is always the one night evenings with the ‘never to be seen agains’. Not all of these ended in sex- but they were quite amusing:

The back packers who have left there mark in expensive STD testing and Coyote Ugly moments (This was more of the boy chatter than the girls).

The sneaky morning wakeups where one looks over at the fully tattooed sleeve of the toned under thirty arm lying next to you….and you have that wicked moment where you think ‘Look what I just did, he he he naughty naughty me!’.

There was a particularly endearing evening with a SAS officer who was visiting from Perth before his next four month Afghanistan tour. Quick Description: Tall, unbelievably handsome, fit, well spoken, and an incredible dancer. He flew in and flew out……..never to be heard of again. To this day he is a  mystery. Ahhhh how fantastic.

But my all time personal favourite has to be the guy who had sex as if he was a choo choo train. After an extremely expensive evening of premium food, champagne and private cars- a girl has to decide if she is going to throw caution to the wind and reward the poor bastard- especially if he has really done his best. And so the nightmare began. It started with a hideous bottle-green condom- agh not a great start. On he hopped and slowly began his primal dance. “You feel so good” he said. “Thank you” she whispered. With the next swing of his hips out it came again “you feel so good”. Thinking this might be something he didn’t realise he had already said she let out a perfunctory “mmmmm” and thought it strange but let it go. To her horror, he found his rhythm and like a steam train, his mantra began “You feel so good, you feel so good, you feel so good” again and again and again. Eyes to the ceiling, she remembered the Charlotte moment from Sex and the City where she sleeps with a man who says some horrible things at orgasm. And so she smiled to herself thinking this is the worst sex of my entire life, how do I get out of this? She did what any kind young lady would do and threw her legs up in the air, squeezed her purnani muscles as hard as her pilatied body would allow and waited for the inevitable ghastly noise that he expelled “Yooooouuuuu Feeeeel Sooooooo Goooooood”. He looked at her a few seconds later and she wickedly asked “So Buddy…..Did that feel Good?”

And so it seems that we all have humorous memories to take with us from 2011. I am hoping that you all provide me with some even more hilarious tales to tell. Do you ever wonder who is listening as you regale your crowd with outrageous moments? Careful St Kilda-ites…..to me sharing is caring.

See You in The Village.