Fashion Massacre – St Killa Stylez

Just because everything is suddenly heritage listed, doesn’t give you the right to think you are out of the box by wearing red jeans. It’s going to take a little bit more brainpower than that. However this seasons colours are a refreshing twist on fall. Especially the Purples and Royal Blues. Keep them coming.

There’s nothing worse than a woman in her 40s driving an SUV, sporting a rabbit fur vest and thinking she is somehow not a cringe worthy mass generalization of Australia’s most out of touch. I have nothing against the middle class but lets face it, when it comes to fashion, you are lazy and probably just plain a little bit confused.

Listen to me carefully women of St Kilda. I don’t care what the Visual Merchandisers at Country Road tell you, because Country Road has now lost the plot almost as badly as French Connection did for about the last 6 seasons. (I’ll give it to FC this season is an improvement and is worth a bit of a look.)

Fur vests are hard to pull off. Ok?! In fact almost impossible for you, because you watch Grey’s Anatomy on your Saturday nights. A whole bunch of twits buying them is supply and demand, not fashion. Got it? IT’S DATED. If you want to be retro try vintage, as the star 2005 look is not retro yet and sure as hell isn’t cool anymore. I shall call it McLuxury Basics. Branch out or run the risk of the 25 year old secretary trumping. I think you know what I mean.

If you want to pull off an exceptional fall look and you have mistakenly purchased the god ugly unfortunate fur vest, then don’t stress. It makes a great dog blanket.

The nineties industrial scene is here right now, in Melbourne. No you don’t need to shave half your head (however I am always for it). You want tight tight pants and something baggy over the top. Button up to the top lightweight long sleeve shirts with baggy crop or hip, wide neck jumpers in a loose weave is what you are looking for.  It is that specific, yes.  Then long chain necklaces over the buttoned up shirt, got it?

Choose your colours wisely. Tribal print is dying; even the hipsters in Brunswick get a huge eye-roll. The look is dead. As is floral on a black background. For prints you need to keep eyes open for large images on backgrounds and colours that have a late 80s or nineties graphic design flair. Stripes are out out out – polka dots are acceptable.

Velvet is going to become big. Watch it come back with a vengeance over the next few winters. Baggy jackets and definitely, definitely leggings. Jeggings are the lamest thing known to man – er, woman. Buy them and you might as well sleep out on the rabbit vest with the new puppy. Buy super tight jeans, buy leggings or buy a tub of ice-cream and dram-out on Grey’s Spewnatomy because you don’t deserve to be seen in public in your Jeggings.