Crystal Ball

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At this time of the year those of us, with the courage, make our predictions for the upcoming season and for major sporting events. Others, who work for the mainstream media come up with a top fifty by throwing darts at a list of names, hoping to cause controversy, sell papers or increase ratings.

Unfortunately, I am in the first group, so underpaid that I write by candle-light or lighting powered by an asylum seeker with a bicycle powered generator.

Melbourne Storm, empowered by the class of Slater, Smith and Cronk will fight out the NRL with St George Illawarra and the New Zealand Warriors.  The Storm will prevail due to a host of brown paper bag transactions and property purchases in the names of the players’ wives or partners.  Their previous experience after being caught doing what every other NRL club does will lead to their success.

The Melbourne Cup will be won by a horse that nobody has ever heard of in Australia. It will, however, be quarantined in Werribee, have it’s tenth start in the Geelong Cup, it’s eleventh the Melbourne Cup and win them both. Meanwhile, Aussie horses will win both the Blue Diamond and Golden Slipper and retire, turning into automatic propogating machines depending on what is or isn’t hanging between their back legs.

Now to the important sport that puts bums on seats, causes marital splits and brawls between best friends. In the AFL, the Brownlow will be won by a midfielder from one of the grand finalist teams or by the player everyone believes should have won it the year before, prompting the officials involved to make the necessary provisions to ensure this outcome.

The AFL Premiership will be fought out by four well matured and hardened sides.  The result will depend on which team remains the least injured.  The one exception to that proviso in my top four is Collingwood.  Buckley could not captain them to a Premiership and I very much doubt his blinkered vision will coach them to one. The winner will come from either Hawthorn, Geelong or West Coast.  If any of these three teams play the Pies they will be victorious, otherwise it’s a three horse race and with an even injury year, I will select Geelong again.

By John Malham

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